I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
