I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
