totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
