I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Actions speak louder than pants.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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