I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
