dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
