Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
