If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
