i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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