He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
