You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
