On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
