I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
