you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
