I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
