Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
