i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
He passed out mid-signature
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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