I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
They left me at home... I'm a liability
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
