You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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