She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
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