dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
