this beer tastes like vomit already
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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