Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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