Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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