woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
