New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
