I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
