there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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