What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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