"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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