he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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