I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
