A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
