When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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