also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
