If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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