I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
