I looked at my own cervix.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
