Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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