the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Sex in the backyard? Check.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
2020 sucks, I want a refund
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
