Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
