My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
