They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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