i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Dicks are not precious.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
