Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
