I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
