I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Couch. On fire.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
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