you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
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my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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