You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
