i wish my penis had a tongue
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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