My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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