I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
