Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
