Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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