Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.