I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
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he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
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Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me