Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
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I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
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I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.